The year so far hasn’t been what I hoped, expected, or planned for but I feel like that’s with every year since 2020. I’ve become complacent, and unmotivated to keep going in my pursuit of things because of my financial troubles. It sucks being at this point of my life, where I look back on my past and really, really wish I could do things differently. But I can’t, because life isn’t a video game where we have do-overs, we only have one life.

To be honest, in a lot of ways I’ve felt like I went backward instead of forwards really. I’m trying to push myself to do more, make better choices, and be more healthy, but something inside me isn’t giving me permission if you understand that. It’s like trying to yell at the main character in a horror movie to not go down the creepy ass basement, or saying that a character is an idiot for choosing someone else in a rom-com. Let’s talk more deeply about it.

Feeling Stuck

So. I’m currently working at Aeropostale in Toledo, OH. It’s a cool retail job that has helped give me a bit of money. However, things changed rather drastically when I wasn’t getting the hours I wanted due to the fact there weren’t enough hours to go around and not having the best sales. Now this happened around near the beginning of this year up till now, so you would think I would be more focused on my side business which is my creative agency. That would be a yes and no.

With my side business, I’ve been only able to work on a couple of client projects as of now. I haven’t gone out of my way to acquire new clients or put more effort into growing the online presence because I feel overwhelmed with work plus have financial issues to boot. Even though I do have a couple of people to help me with it, I feel like a terrible leader because I haven’t been able to pay them for the value they are at.

I feel like I put myself in a cycle that isn’t showing real progress. But even though I don’t sense real progress, can’t help but still press on to make something out of it. However, I can’t keep doing the same old, same old, and expect different results; I mean that is the definition of insanity right?

Overwhelmed

There is this sense of overwhelm that I still feel now, and It comes from wanting to do a lot of different things. But it also comes from terrible project/time management on my end of things, which I definitely need to do better on and slowly improve each day.

I think for me the key to overcoming this is tackling each thing I do one at a time. There isn’t anything wrong with doing the things I’m doing, but if I want to feel some sense of progress and accomplishment I need to buck down on what I can do best, and what I really need help on. And letting more of the right people in that could set me on the right path again.

Blaming Myself

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself for a lot of things. I’ve blamed myself for not being as social as I should be, I blame myself for not being a better friend, I blame myself for the troubles I’m in now, and I blame myself for practically everything that has happened to me, friends lost, etc.

I had this huge feeling of contempt for myself because I know I should’ve done better, be more mindful, wish I stayed in touch more, and wished I wasn’t like who I am now. A bastard who can’t seem to stay focused on just one thing that would propel me to a place of security, financial freedom, and most of all being able to give back to those that have helped me over the years. I wish I could take everything back, and start over but I know I can’t.

All I can focus on now is today, and what I can do now. I can focus on what I can do differently, and instead of saying should’ve I can turn it into I did it. All I want to do is try to be the best person I can be, and at least help make this world a better place through my actions instead of my word.

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